The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
