I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
