i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
