You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
