I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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