I'm lost and stupid without you.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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