my mouth tastes like poor choices
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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