I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
