I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
