you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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