can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
