what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
