fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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