we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
