The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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