just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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