So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
