I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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