there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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