my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
