Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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