I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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