Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
