All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
