this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
