I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
They are going to name an STD after you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
