I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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