hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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