Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
