I faked an abortion last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
