I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
