is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
