I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
