The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
