Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
