Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Rumble strips road head = magical
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
