I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
