I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
