i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
