dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
