when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
