upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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