well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
