he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
