I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
