If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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