I wish I could punch you in the face.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
