home. puking in laundry basket.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
