i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
