I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
