I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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